rock-bottom

It is okay if you don’t understand the emotions hidden behind a poem. A poet is used to people not understanding its emotions. That is how the poetry came into existence, in the first place.

 

The poem was born out of desperation. The poem was born out of anger and pain, pain which no one else paid heed to. And she might think that the poem will help, but actually the poem itself becomes lost. Lost in millions.

 

Deep down she wants someone to understand what her poem actually hides- a myriad of different emotions.

Every poem is a mirror to its poet, reading it thoroughly can give you the idea of every little emotion that the poet felt while writing it. Joy and sorrow are very vivid, if you read it thoroughly you will know insecurity, pity, panic, desperation, every nook and corner of the poetic subconscious.

 

Now, she understands that you might not want to. But then again you might not be important. But believe me she wants him to know. She is screaming for help, and she wants him to pull her out. Self reliance, is a far cry. In that moment, she just wants somebody other than herself to latch onto. The fact that she is all alone, is suffocating her- her own body is suffocating her. She has lost all her strength. She can’t fight this alone. She needs him. Her. Someone.

The One Where Dreams Break

Do you know what makes a person strongest? I am not talking about physical strength. I am not talking about the capacity to bear tremendous physical pain. I am talking about the capacity to endure a heart break. I know what you must be feeling- No! This is not just another story of a bad break-up. Unfortunately it was not a person who broke my heart. It would have been easier to accept my grief and move on if that was so.

I am not saying it is not possible now. But it sure is more challenging.

You see people don’t hurt you. Situations hurt you. Failures hurt you. Disappointment hurts you.                                                                                                                                                It is easier to cope when you are disappointed in another person, because your grief has a face. At least you have a reason.

How does one cope when their disappointment is in themselves?

So coming back to my introductory question- Accepting failures makes a person strongest.

Failures and losses are an integral part of our lives. If not for them, we might not even value success at all.

It hurts when you pour your entire soul in something, and it ends up in a failure. I know the feeling. I know how it feels when you are hyperventilating, struggling for breath and demeaning yourself over and over again- because even though you worked hard, you are still at a loss.

You know what; I won’t tell you that you shan’t cry. I won’t tell you that you shan’t express your grief.

It is okay to feel broken. It is okay to just collapse and cry your eyes out. It is okay worry your head off. It is okay to seclude yourself from everyone. It is okay to want some time alone.

But it is not okay to give up.

Failures will knock at your door once in a while. Maybe more times than success will. And even though crying about it is okay, ceasing your entire life is not.

I know what you must be thinking- Better said than done. But do you have any other option?

A bad situation doesn’t change you for the people for whom you really matter and no matter how long your virtual friend list is- these people are really few in number. Whenever you feel like a failure- just close your eyes and talk to yourself. Don’t talk to anybody else because only you knew the kind of work you put into the task. Talk to yourself-,say things to yourself- I swear it works.

Nobody will remember your failure, but they will remember how you regained yourself.

Before they tell their kids about the relative who is earning millions, they will tell them about you. They will say, “Look at her (/him), she fell hard, but she always got up strong.” Because they know that before they achieve their dreams, their kids will have to face the harsh faces of life.

And once you accept your life, with her sad and ugly face, there is nothing more monstrous out there.

Nothing has the capacity to scare you.

 

What Depression felt like to me!

Depression-a feeling which coaxes you to stay in bed. A condition wherein your brain goes full circle and comes back to the same place to realize “I am a failure”. Something unthinkable, something mysterious and something which you just can’t define no matter how hard you try to. The only thing that explains your condition is that something is pulling you deeper, trying to shut you inside your own self.

Have you ever been alone at your home? Do you remember that feeling? That silence! Do you remember how you used to switch on the TV, just to make yourself feel a little less alone? Now just imagine that even though the TV is blaring, playing some distant song- you are not hearing anything. You don’t know why? And it feels like your own house will devour you. That is a little what depression felt like to me.
It felt like my own body will devour me one day.

But depression for our society is like Unicorns- it doesn’t exist. A serious mental condition gets reduced to an ‘excuse’ and phrases like “It is just a phase”, “It is a part of growing up.” “Go out for drinks, you will be fine.” “There is no such thing as depression.”
There are so many counter arguments against depression that it becomes really difficult to deal with the problem. Some of us don’t even understand that we are going through a problem-Let alone knowing how to deal with it. And when we can’t  recognize that there is even a problem, how are we supposed to cure it?

You know, it is not really a hornet’s nest to determine whether you are depressed.
When you stop going out, stop enjoying the things that you used to love, start demeaning yourself and secluding yourself from people in general- this a red flag being waved in front of you. A flag which has “Something is wrong!” written in bold letters. But because where we live, a mental illness is considered being insane. And mad people go to mental asylums- one ignominy that we can’t face. So we ignore it. It is better to just stay quiet. To consider it a mere phase.

Even when you play with a blade every night in the bathroom. Even when you write incomplete suicide notes every day. Even when you start feeling that death will be much easier than life. Even when your favorite songs sound like a freaking racket. And your favorite book seems like a big lie.
Even when you stop smiling- it will still be better to consider it just a phase.
Do you know why? Why we like to shun this realization that we might actually be unwell, and rubbish it totally?

Because we are scared to find answers.

“Why did this happen to me?”
“Is there really something wrong with my life?”
“What will I tell papa?”
“How will I react when they say ‘Men don’t feel depressed’?”
“What even led me here?”
An illness comes with a thousand questions. Ones that you ask yourself and then the others that everybody asks you. And because we are the escapist generation, we try to prevent these questions.
And as a result- We let this illness, churn us harder and harder. We let it set us ablaze. We let it win.

There is no bravery in this. Nobody will laud you for all you went through. Everybody will just look past you. Those questions might end one day. But your depression won’t just disappear. You need to consult someone. You need to accept that there is some problem. You need to be honest with yourself. That is bravery. That is app-laudable. The fact that you decided to rise above labels and prejudices- that makes you glorious.

Talk to yourself. Try to introspect what went wrong and tell yourself “It is going to be OK.”

And I cannot say this any louder- get medical attention. Because you don’t deserve this silence. You don’t deserve to be wary of life so soon. You don’t deserve to feel like a failure.
So I request you- break the silence!